Betty Botter bought some butter
But, she said, this butter’s bitter
If I buy some better butter,
It will make my batter better.
–variation of Carolyn Wells’ original

Now, I’m not Betty Botter—thankfully, but I have been on a quest for better butter as of late. It started the way all stories start.

Once upon a time, there was a boy living in a little blue house. He put butter on his toast and, behold, it was good. He put hydrogenated vegetable oil on his toast, and behold, it was also good. His mother put margarine in her cookies, and behold, those were VERY good. As time went on and memories came up in the sea of consciousness and spluttered briefly before being dragged back under by the Relentless Brain Monster, the boy’s mother began to use regular U.S. supermarket butter for everything.

The boy became a man, in a manner of speaking, and lived in another house with other people who were very kind and who he loved very much. They had butter that he didn’t like very much. He always thought it tasted like stale supermarket butter. More time went on and more memories were dragged into his subconscious mind to be thoroughly thrashed and beaten by the Relentless Brain Monster.

One day, the boy’s sister had the fortune to go to Europe, where she discovered Irish Butter™* When she came home, she found out that she could buy some of this Irish Butter™* at a supermarket somewhere in the U.S. This made her very happy. This boy then began to consume this Irish Butter, as did his parents. Behold, the butter was very good. It was so good they decided it was worth paying double or triple the price of regular U.S. store-bought butter.

Then the boy lived in another house in the cold and wintry regions of North-east Ohio. There he discovered locally-made butter that maybe tasted as good as Irish Butter™* He decided it was as good as it was going to get because it was (a) local butter and (b) better than regular butter. So, he continued living a double life, sometimes eating Irish Butter™* and sometimes eating this Local Ohio Butter.

Then, one day when the boy once again lived in a little blue house, he decided to find other butter that might indeed be better than the better butter that was better than regular butter. He wanted, in another mode of speech, to be able to say “I can’t believe it’s butter” or something like that. So, he started out at his local garishly decorated, but universally revered 24/7 supermarket. He saw some butter from a dairy coop in Oregon. He thought, “Ah! I bet this Dairy Coop Butter from Oregon is better than regular butter.”

Alas, this thought was not borne out by actual fact. He and his parents sadly consumed the Slightly Inferior Oregon Butter until it was all gone. There were other adventures too, with other butter brands, but they were not better butter brands. One day, he went to a fancy supermarket and the clouds, as it were, opened and a light shone through. This didn’t actually happen—that is to say the clouds parting, although the author would like to note that in Northern California there are typically no clouds to part, unlike in Northern Ohio. Anyway, this whole clouds opening business didn’t actually happen, but the boy going to a fancy supermarket did.

At this supermarket, the boy shrewdly examined every butter brand flaunted there. He discovered the amazing Irish Butter™* in salted and unsalted versions. He also discovered many other brands which touted various qualities of the various butters. He looked and looked. He saw “European Style” butters, he saw “Real California Milk” butters, he saw vegan “butters” , and he saw a butter claiming to be “Danish”—and not the cherry kind either. He purchased a somewhat locally made butter, from a dairy conglomerate in California.

This “local” butter, alas did not stand the test as being a Better Butter. The boy and his parents, as of the time of this writing, are still sadly consuming this Inferior Butter. After tasting this Inferior Butter and realizing that it was in fact, Inferior, he took to the internet to discover why this Irish Butter™* was so much better than anything he could find in America.

He found a thread on Reddit where people stated that this Better Irish Butter™* was only Mediocre Irish Butter in Europe. This was a revelation to him, albeit not a surprising one. He then found the name of an American butter which was touted to be very good, and on par with Better European Butters. It was a “European style” butter that he found at the fancy supermarket. He then went to this fancy supermarket and purchased the butter.

This story is still in the making, but I decided it might make a good one to put on a “random” blog. The Supposedly Better Butter is “Plugrá” butter and is distributed by Dairy Farmers of America. I believe they market it to pastry chefs. It’s got a more distinct flavor than Kerrygold so far. I might update this blog post later with more findings as time goes on.

*Not actually a trademark, as far as I know.

P.S. “sadly consuming” is not a typo. The lack of commas is intentional and should be read as such. Meaning, “consuming while in a state of grief”

Also note, that some elements of this story may be dramatized. The author has fun doing such.